‘T was Valentines day

‘T was Valentines day and lots of love to be had,

But not for this guy, who was pretty mad,

He hates this holiday for reasons galore,

There was absolutely nothing he hated more,

He decided to go outside on this wretched day,

He saw couples holding hands to his dismay,

Then he said with a lot of rage

”Stop with this nonsense and act like your age”

He looked around him with a sudden grin,

When he threw all the decorations in the bin,

This holiday is fake and your love is untrue,

Said the guy and on the ground he spew,

The people around him weren’t impressed,

All they wanted was to continue with their love fest,

The guy had enough and headed home,

When on his way he saw this little green Gnome,

The gnome wondered why the guy was upset,

”This is a day for fun and love to be had”

The guy didn’t answer and entered his house,

”I don’t have time for fun and a spouse”,

The Gnome had an idea and set into motion,

The guy inside was preparing his lotion,

He heard a crowd so he looked outside,

Not showing his lower body which he wanted to hide,

There he saw all the people at his house,

He pulled up his pants and buttoned his blouse,

He went outside and the green Gnome caught his eye,

Who looked at him and let out a cry,

”Valentine is about love, but not just for two”,

”Now join the others and stop being blue”

____________________________________________________________________________

I don’t even know, I suddenly had a rhyme in my head and wanted to write it down, I’m not sure it all even rhymes, probally not! I guess it does have some deeper meaning, the word love or loved ones doesn’t always mean the one you want to marry or have children with. You can love someone in a friendship as well without the icky gooey stuff.


Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.


Sticks and stones..

True, This! —
Beneath the rule of men entirely great
The pen is mightier than the sword. Behold
The arch-enchanters wand! — itself is nothing! —
But taking sorcery from the master-hand
To paralyse the Cæsars, and to strike
The loud earth breathless! — Take away the sword —
States can be saved without it!

I start my post with this quote, because it has so much truth in it. Words hurt more then whatever, words touch your heart, your brain and your soul. The bad ones even more so then the nice ones, I’m of the opinion that 9999 nice words can be said to you, but if someone says one bad thing about you, all those 9999 words will fall on deaf ears, will crumble away like they mean nothing. It’s hard to constantly shield yourself from name calling, bad mouthing and mental abuse.

When I was young, I was always the laughing stock of the school or whatever group I was in, because I struggled with weight issues and my Dyslexia and after a while, you start to believe that you are stupid, ugly and noone is going to love you. Because of this I had a hard time at school and my grades were showing it because even teachers were joining in, I had to go to a school to help me deal with my Dyslexia and get me back on the road on a mental way. During that, I learned to shield my self. but every now and then something pierced through the shield. I went every possible contact with strangers out of the way, it was even so bad that I used to take a different route on my bycicle just to avoid passing by a group of people because they might say something to hurt me.

To this day I still have the same fears, albeit less but that’s mainly because I am able to push it away. But still with every thing I do, my Dyslexia is getting in the way, no matter how ”trained” I am in it. With spelling, numbers or the difference between left and right. When others notice you’re struggeling with words or numbers, they giggle, because saying ”oh he is 73” instead of ”Oh he is 37” is funny, slightly. Or when I need to make my hands into an ”L” shape first to see what left is, but sometimes, those giggles penetrates through the shield and it hurts and it feels like a confirmation that you’re actually stupid.

It’s a confirmation that when you’re already feeling lonely, due to various reasons and people say ”You’re going to die alone”, my mind will easily go ”See, I’m right, even he is saying it”.

The internet hardens you up as well, makes you quick on your feet with counter responses when someone is acting douchy. And I believe most people who know me slightly, know that I’ll bite back if someone bites me and that it takes a lot to leave me speechless.

This evening was such an event where I was left speechless, I was in a Skype convo playing Heroes of the Storm with some people when a guy joins who used to trash talk me, I was actually wisely keeping my mouth shut, because I’m not feeling in the position for an arguement. After 5 minutes he starts trash talking me again, stating I’m a ”fat fuck who only eats and Mac Donalds and you should kill yourself because you’re going to die lonely anyway.”, he said this about 10 times with some words changing here and there. This left me speechless, I felt so little again, like I used to feel when I was young. I logged off the game and left Skype, feeling sad and hurt.

I must say, it even hurts physically as well, my shoulders, neck and stomach are cramping up like mad, because of the frustrations and yes, I am at the point right now where I believe all this verbal diarrhea. I won’t kill myself, don’t worry. But all the other stuff he said.. Before someone goes ”but hes wrong” I’ll refer you to first part of my post.

Even posting on this blog or Twitter is scary for me, afraid my Dyslexia will act up and I make dumb grammar mistakes and I’ll be the laughing stock of the Twitter ”community” I am in. I try to challenge myself by doing things like this, by making posts on forums and guides on whatever, but it leaves me with great worries.

To sum it up, I’m hurt.

I’ll end this post with a part of one of my favourite poems by Shane Koyczan named To This Day.

I am surrounded by people who used to say
that rhyme about sticks and stones
as if broken bones
hurt more than the names we got called
and we got called them all
so we grew up believing no one
would ever fall in love with us
that we’d be lonely forever
that we’d never meet someone
to make us feel like the sun
was something they built for us
in their tool shed
so broken heart strings bled the blues
as we tried to empty ourselves
so we would feel nothing
don’t tell me that hurts less than a broken bone
that an ingrown life
is something surgeons can cut away
that there’s no way for it to metastasize

it does


Just some words.

If only knowing something was going to happen could numb the pain it causes. Lies hurt however, the most painful lies are the ones you tell yourself when the truth is too much to bear, but in the end the lie makes the truth more potent; it hurts even more. Every single time we just can’t help ourselves but to tell ourselves stories and give ourselves hope when we’re just not brave enough to face what we already know.

Maybe one day I’ll learn.


”That” guy.

Over the course of life I’ve always been ”that guy”, in the sense of the strong guy both physically and mentally, with strenght and words ect ect. Nothing could bring me down, which I always like to think as well.. While past experiences do make you stronger, it does also leave a scar on your soul. This is not me saying ”ooh look at me, I’m so sad and you should feel bad for me”. Quite to opposite actually, however I do get quite annoyed that whenever something happens, people always assume I will be fine. Ofcourse I’ll be fine in the end, I’ll always get back on my feet wether it’s by myself or a rare reaching hand to pull me up.

Yesterday I’ve been fired, while it wasn’t a job that paid me, it was my dream job, I was mainly a Youth worker there and had my own location to run. It happens that people lose their jobs and I’m coming to terms with that, sure it sucks but I’ll find something new. The reason why it saddens me is the way how I got fired, my boss didn’t even had the guts to say it to me herself, nope she asked someone else to do it while afterwards offering me a ”goodbye” party with the interns and other common visitors. I gracefully declined the offer with a ”You can all go and fuck yourself.”. I know, I know, not quite mature and professional like, but the anger was building inside me and I could’ve done worse.

The way I’ve been fired made me think if I’m such a bad person that people don’t take the time to properly talk with me, I am reasonable, atleast I’d say so myself. A lot of people will say ”No, ofcourse not, you’re great!”, but that is easy to say and difficult to remember when you can’t sleep at night and your mind starts taking directions towards the not so happy door.

After I got home frustrated and told people what happend they said ”You’ll be fine, you can take the punch, after all you’ve been through this should be a piece of cake.”

Well, it isn’t. It actually hits me harder then I want it to be and harder then it should, because of my past experience which are all just unresolved and doors have been closed but not locked, it hurts even more, it’s the last water drop that makes a full bucket overflow. I’m not even sure that’s a saying in English but alright.

You see, it might be my own fault. I’ve always been the joker and the class clown, which I didnt mind because laughing is healthy and I love making people laugh and laugh myself, the people who have been with me on Skype know my laugh can be quite contagious. However, due to me making a lot of jokes people assume I’m fine, ofcourse people wont ask if I’m fine because deep down, they know the true answer will be ”No, I am actually not fine.”

Eight years ago my dad lost his job and got into some sort of depression because he couldn’t find a new job anymore because of his age and low education. He has always been the type of guy who was stuck in the old day, so when my mother was forced to work more and also would earn more money, his ego got cracked and shit was about to hit the fan. Fights between them happend, between my father and mother, but also between my father and sister.. I always tried my best to stay out of the picture, did not want to get involved in the fighting because I had to focus on school and the people around me. Still, I could joke and laugh.

This has been going on for two years, of constant fighting each day. Untill one day my dad came to my room, called my sister there aswell and said that he’s going to leave and not return. Upon hearing that my sister burst into tears and I did my best to push the tears away, which worked. Everything that day was a mess, so was my mother and sister and it was up to me to keep everything running. After he left the door I had to get some air, I needed to be away from this all, but had no place to go. Everyone I went to was either busy or wasn’t around. On school there was a mentor, who told me I should push everything back and focus on my school, so I did. The next week upon coming home my father was suddenly sitting there with my mother, begging us to let him come back.

So my dad was back, nothing really changed, ofcourse my behaviour changed, I was growing, started to get my own opinion and was more dependant than I ever was, which my dad didn’t like. He got more lazy, didn’t do anything in the household and kept chatting with random women on the internet till the next morning. Cleaning the house basically came down to me, because my mother was working a lot, and my sister is terminally ill so she can’t do much. Arguements with my dad vs everyone grew and happen more often. It came to the point where I wanted to keep the peace and just played stupid, asked my father for help while in reality I didn’t need it. Untill one day that I had this big arguement with my father, he told me I should learn my role in this household, as the little punk I am. Which I replied in that he should know his role as a father, he jumped up, stood infront of me, obviously me being 16 was growing very fast so stood up aswell to the same lenght as him, on that moment he said ”If you don’t like it, beat it.”. I was so fed up, that I was actually about to leave, but then my mother told my father to act like an adult. Things started going from bad to worse, he basically tried to mentally abuse me, saying that I’m worthless, that I’m dumb and that I won’t achieve anything in life. He was really getting to me and I started to go from being this goofy fun guy who used to sing and cheer everyone up, to a cynic and someone who was more or less sad most of the times.

I managed to pass my exams and decided to use my abilities to help people and went to follow an education for Social Work. Everything went alright, stuff didn’t change but I put the famous mask on, the ”Nothing is wrong, everything is cool, look at me being the fun guy”. But then, one morning during spring break, my mother found a note on the table. It was from my father, saying that he couldn’t take it anymore, he was going to leave and would stay at his mothers place. When I heard this all, I wanted to cry my heart out, but I couldn’t. Again my mother was in a bad place, so was my sister.

So my parents were going to divorce and because of some stupid law, the house we were living in had to be sold or my mother had to gather enough money to outbuy my father. We obviously didn’t had that kind of money, we could barely get enough money together for food. So the house was going to get sold, a sign was on the window inviting people to take a look. It was a horrible time, because we had no other place to go and we weren’t allowed to stay in the house when people were in there watching, because we could potentially boycot a sale, we had to move out, each time. Didn’t matter if it was boiling hot outside, snowing or raining, we had to move out.. During all this, I didn’t really have the energy to focus on both home and school, so I decided to push everything that happend at home aside and tunnelvisioned school work. As a Social Worker you hear all kinds of stories, meet people that are in such bad places, you need to pull them out. I helped abused mothers, children and helped addicts to start their life again without their addictions while I was working at a local community centre as an intern. But those weren’t the only problems I heard from people, also my friends and classmates had a million problems aswell and they came to me for advice or a shoulder. After a while I just broke, I couldn’t take it any longer. I was actually at a point where I didn’t care if I got hit by a car when crossing the street.

I discovered that my father was lieing where he was going to, all this time from my graduation till the moment he left he was planning to go to another woman, when he went ”fishing”, he actually visit his new girlfriend. This hit us hard, since we all knew it after looking at the facts, we got weird phonecalls from women asking for him, he was always webcaming with ladies untill like 6 in the morning. I felt betrayed, so did ofcourse my sister but especially my mother.

Pride was standing in my way, all this time I didn’t want to seek help, untill I finally took the step and did. The psychologist I had wasn’t really a nice man, he wanted to know stuff about my father, mother and the rest of the family instead of me, after a lot of argueing I just took off, never returned, I still have 5 out of 10 talks left I think. I couldn’t really talk about it with my mother or sister, since they were in a bad spot aswell and I had/have a lot of trust issues even with my friends so I couldn’t really talk, they knew what was up, but only the general stuff and the rest of the family didn’t pay any attention to us. Many times did my father contacted me, wanting to ”set things right”, I let him do it once, via email and he could only blame others, I asked him questions and he didn’t want to answer them, which left me even more frustrated.

After 3 years of fighting, talks with lawyers, being in court and college I managed once again to pass my exams, I finally had my degree in Social Work, I was happy ofcourse, but this ment that I couldn’t have anything else to focus on, so the divorce, the house which was getting sold, my mother and sister were getting my full attention. It wasn’t making me happy, all the friends from college dropped me like a sack of potatoes and were only around when they actually needed me, rather then the other way around. If the house would get sold, we would end up on the street, since we couldnt rent due to the fact that we had to pay the mortgage, so we could only get a new place with the money my mother would get when the house would be sold and it takes like 5 months to get a house in the Netherlands if not way longer. So a shortage of sleep happend, every night I heard my mother cry and I felt so helpless. She was in a really bad spot, so bad that she actually got suicidal, already had rope ready to hang herself. I was so scared that she would actually do it, that I never left the house for long, nor actually slept without one eye and ear open.

Things have cleared up and I got more or less back on my feet, but me having to drop out of Uni, the death of my grandpa, the stressfull but fun birth of my niece who also lives in the same house as me made it hard to be ”that” guy, but I still manage to do. Friends and love came and went, some I’m desperately trying to hold on to, because I will not accept that ”friends can grow apart”.

I will continue being the joker, I will continue being ”that” guy, I will continue to fight as I’ve always done. The story with my father is basically the core of my struggles, the mental wounds he created are still deep and not nearly healed.

So when you have a friend who jokes a lot, ask him sometimes ”Are you alright?”, I think you’ll be suprised what the out come will be.

~Matt


New year means new things..

I haven’t been blogging at all lately and I’ve been wondering why.. It felt like a drag coming up with new stuff to write about, my first intention when making this blog was to do it mainly about World of Warcraft, there isn’t however anything I can make up that would make it stand out in the sea of other good blogs about WoW.

For a couple of months now, I have been searching for who I am. I still havent found out and I’m going to try with the help of this blog to find it. I’ll still write about WoW when I feel like it, but it will also be about things I come a cross in my life which are not always game related. So you can expect this blog to be about whatever pops in to my head, really.

I’ve been feeling quite lonely for a while now in regards to gaming, friends who I thought were really good friends whom I’ve known for almost all my life turned out to be jerks and not really the type of people I can relate too. It’s been hard for me too accept that and I’m still struggeling with the idea. The group of people I used to Skype with everyday for the 8-9 years I’ve been gaming with turned out to be a bunch of keyboard heroes mixed in with a nasty case of Elitism.

Even though I’m in a big clan which is the guild I created two years ago, it still feels lonely, my friends list on Battle.net is capped out yet I find myself not talking to a lot of them, this isn’t because they aren’t worth my time, quite the opposite really, but I just don’t feel like I have something worth while to say, which is also why I haven’t really been as active on Twitter as I used/want to be. I guess it’s some kind of fear of being rejected and or ignored, which isn’t like me since I mostly just dont give a damn, I just can’t find a place where I can truely be ”me” without having dozens of eyes staring and judging me. Now that I think about it, this is also the main reason why I’ve never continued blogging, afraid that someone I know whom I game with daily would find out and judge me on it.

That’s enough rambling on a sunday afternoon for me, I’ll figure out what to do, sooner rather then later.

– Matt


Community Project, a helping hand!

A Community Project – I Need YOUR Help!

I’m really tired of all the negativity about the game I love most, World of Warcraft, that’s rocking our community at the moment. EVERYWHERE I turn there’s someone moaning… forums, twitter, skype, in-game…. BAH.

So, here’s my solution, for which I need YOUR help.

community

I would like to head a community project called:

THE COMMUNITY’S TOP ** BEST THINGS TO DO IN WARCRAFT BEFORE WoD RELEASES

…or something.

What I propose is that we all list the top 3 things in Warcraft that we LOVE. The things that make us play the game. The events, places, achievements, battlegrounds… whatever it is that floats your boat. The more ideas we get the better – so many people haven’t heard or haven’t bothered with certain things because they don’t know (enough) about it. Let’s change that. Let’s give the community our joy of the game back.

All you need to do is blog (and link) or tweet or DM me your choices and I will compile them into a list which I hope will look like this:

  • SUGGESTION – link to whose idea it was, a longer description/wowhead info if necessary etc

very short blurb describing the basics of the suggestion (time, place, faction etc)

Whether it’s one suggestion, or five, I don’t think it matters. What matters is the passion and the enthusiasm. No moaning allowed!

So, what d’ya think? Will you take part and help us to spread the love of our game?

 

Well, then. Lets get started, shall we!

 

1. Lore:

I love the Warcraft Lore, it keeps me playing the game. It makes me love the characters I save and kill in quests, in dungeons and raids. From cinematics to stories, I read them all! Since the lore videos are quite hidden, I’ll share some favourites in here.

 

There is also a big channel on Youtube that covers a lot of lore, it’s called Lore for Noobs. Also visit http://wowpedia.org/Portal:Main for all kind of information on whatever lore!

On the Blizzard site, you can read short stories about the faction leaders: http://eu.battle.net/wow/en/blog/10040557

I can also recommend the WoW novels, my personal favourite is Arthas: Rise of the Lich King.

But War Crimes is a close second for me!

2. Raiding:

I know this isn’t really any special, but without raiding, I wouldn’t still be playing this game. Overcoming challenges together with your guildies is one of the best things there is gaming wise, standing out progress wise just makes my special snowflake glow! My favourite raid instance of all time is Throne of Thunder.

3. Pet Battles:

When I’m not raiding, I like to casually Pet Battle while having a movie running on my second screen, time flies for me.

My all time favourite pet is the Moonkin Hatchling, it’s the companion I always have out running after me!

I hope this is something you are looking for, Mrs. WoW!

 

~Matt.


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