Liebster Awards 2015

As I’m a newbie blogger, I have never heard of this Liebster award.. But it sounds fun and gives more content to write on the blog. I have received my nomination from  mrandmrswow, so thank you for that!

Rules

Answer 11 questions from the person that nominated you, share 11 facts about yourself and make 11 questions for 5 other bloggers to answer.

Featured image

Their questions were:

How old were you when you played your first video game?

I think I was like 6 or something, it was Super Mario Bros

Did you ever play an N64? If so, what was your favourite game?

I didn’t, I did however play on the NES, which also was my first gaming console!

Would you rather play a Gnome or a Goblin? Why?

I´d rather be a Goblin, so I have a New Jersey accent, which would make me giggle all the time!

If you had to choose between only ever doing PvE or PvP, which would you pick and why?

PvE, I like the personal character growth you get from PvE.

What’s been your favourite raid or instance in WoW?

Karazhan, I have many fond memories from that Raid instance. It was the first one I did in a serious guild.

If you could live in Azeroth, where would you choose?

Goldshire, on Argent Dawn server..because…reasons!

If you had to marry an NPC, which would it be and why?

VARIAN WRYNN <333333333333333333333333333333333333 Because hes amazing and awesome and cool and wise and and and *sigh* yeah!

What set up do you use to game? Any tips for others interested in upgrading their pc?

My setup has an Intel(R) Core (TM) i7-3770 CPU @ 3. 40HGz (CPU’s), ~3.4GHz with a Geforce GTX 560, it’s an ol’ gal, but she keeps up, still. I’m not that good with PCs, so I cant give many tips, I do know that as a gamer, you’ll want to go Windows 10, when it’s out!

Have you ever met any gaming pals that you met online?

Yes one, I meet up with him once every blue moon! I know the guy for 9 years now, but I do see him as a good friend.

Do you enjoy watching/visiting Blizzcon? Why/why not?

I do, I love the atmosphere, even on stream. I’d love to visit it someday!

Would you let your children play WoW? At what age? Why/why not?

I would, WoW teaches you a lot of stuff, most importantly it will teach you how to play as a team which is something I find pretty important.

11 facts about me

1. I love music, especially 70s-80-90s music!

2. I have never been further away then Germany.

3. I have never been on a plane.

4. Guildwars was the first MMO I played.

5. I like to pretend my bycicle is my epic mount.

6. I almost know all the lines from all the seasons of the show Scrubs.

7. My dream is to start a Youtube channel, about whatever, but never have the guts to do it.

8. When I get nervous, I start playing with whatever object is in my reach, it’s almost always a pen.

9. I love puns, a day never goes by without me making a pun.

10. I am Dyslextic.

11. I’ve hardly tell people irl that I play WoW/games a lot.

My nominations are:

I’d like to nominate my friends anyiakajessica

and KittyBearTree

Your questions are:

1. What is the first game you’ve ever played?

2. What is your favourite game and on what console?

3. What will be the first game you’ll let your kids play?

4. If you could be a game developer, what kind of game would you make?

5. What is your favourite gaming genre and why?

6. How important is playing with other people to you and why?

7. For how long do you see yourself playing games?

8. What role does gaming have for you in your life?

9. Do you tell openly you play games, also how much games you play? Why?

10. What is your opinion of the people of the internet?

11. How long could you be without video games?

Good luck and have fun!


Laughing.

I have always said, to everyone who ‘cares’ about me, that they shouldn’t worry too much when I am still able to laugh.

No matter what happend in my life, with me, or with people around me who I cared for, I still managed to push out a laugh.

While I was in bed yesterday night, I had one of those ”flashbacks” like they have in cheesey movies where you see your whole life happening in front of you. When my dad decided to cheat on my mom, I was still laughing, when he did it a second time and left, it didn’t stop my ability to laugh either. The day my sister announced she was pregnant and that it would mean that my whole life was about to take a flip, I still laughed, when my grandpa died, I was sad for a bit but shortly after I regained my laugh again. After I got fired at work, I generally kept being positive, it wasn’t going to let me down, I still managed to laugh.

Now, 3 months later, I can’t laugh anymore, only for show. I feel like I’m stuck in a hole that I worked hard to climb out of, but fell in to again.. I had it all planned out, I got a job which I hold close to my heart, Social work. soon I’ll make enough money and find a place for my own and who knows, maybe I’ll find someone to join me in my new adventures! The skies the limit as they say, nothing could stop me, I was whistling on my way to work and I was sad when I had to go home from work, it was great, I haven’t felt so good in ages. My best friend supported me even though she lives far away, took interest in my work and even wanted to look at my work space. For the first time someone actually said they were proud of me.

This all feels so far away now that I can’t motivate myself to find a new job and follow my dreams. It feels like I’m stuck and I just want to press the reset button and try again.

I hear people talk about the ”silver lining” in everything, but I’m still waiting for mine. Still waiting for the moment where I can laugh again and truely mean it, where I can look back on memories and burst into laughter again.

For the outside world, I’ll have to fake laugh. I’m not in the position where I can fall into a… and I don’t like to use the word, but where I can fall in a depression. Too many people are counting on me, if I’ll stop things will fall apart. This blog thingie, is the only way where I can really tell my mind.

Look, look at me laughing.


Happy Ending

It’s funny how history has its way of repeating itself, especially when its something that has never been resolved.

Scared of stuff I can’t tell, not because of embarrassment but because if I tell, it becomes even more real.

It’s moments like this that you know you’re truly alone, that you feel like love, in whatever way is not ment for you. That after saying “well, it can’t get any worse” you hear a voice saying “guess again”. When will it end? When will shit stop when you can’t change the reasons why it happen, no matter how hard you try?

Feeling like this little rodent, surviving in a world full of hungry predators, where one rule applies which is ” eat or be eaten”. A world with constant fighting, where even getting out of bed is a problem. I’m trying to hold on, but managing barely, clenching tightly to each hand reached out to me, only to be let go when I’m almost there.

Selfishness seems to be the way where you’ll end up the most successful, not helping your fellow members in this struggle that we call life. Listening to people wanting to step out of it, as it is something as easy as buying a shirt which you can return if you don’t like it. People not knowing that there is no turning back, but can you blame them? When after fighting so hard and its still not enough, is it fair to assume people can continue? Because that is how I feel. When nothing seems fun anymore and you can barely force out a chuckle, when you have to bend the truth when someone asks you if you’re okay.

I will however not quit, I’m too stubborn for that, but I do wonder when my happy ending will start.


‘T was Valentines day

‘T was Valentines day and lots of love to be had,

But not for this guy, who was pretty mad,

He hates this holiday for reasons galore,

There was absolutely nothing he hated more,

He decided to go outside on this wretched day,

He saw couples holding hands to his dismay,

Then he said with a lot of rage

”Stop with this nonsense and act like your age”

He looked around him with a sudden grin,

When he threw all the decorations in the bin,

This holiday is fake and your love is untrue,

Said the guy and on the ground he spew,

The people around him weren’t impressed,

All they wanted was to continue with their love fest,

The guy had enough and headed home,

When on his way he saw this little green Gnome,

The gnome wondered why the guy was upset,

”This is a day for fun and love to be had”

The guy didn’t answer and entered his house,

”I don’t have time for fun and a spouse”,

The Gnome had an idea and set into motion,

The guy inside was preparing his lotion,

He heard a crowd so he looked outside,

Not showing his lower body which he wanted to hide,

There he saw all the people at his house,

He pulled up his pants and buttoned his blouse,

He went outside and the green Gnome caught his eye,

Who looked at him and let out a cry,

”Valentine is about love, but not just for two”,

”Now join the others and stop being blue”

____________________________________________________________________________

I don’t even know, I suddenly had a rhyme in my head and wanted to write it down, I’m not sure it all even rhymes, probally not! I guess it does have some deeper meaning, the word love or loved ones doesn’t always mean the one you want to marry or have children with. You can love someone in a friendship as well without the icky gooey stuff.


Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.


Sticks and stones..

True, This! —
Beneath the rule of men entirely great
The pen is mightier than the sword. Behold
The arch-enchanters wand! — itself is nothing! —
But taking sorcery from the master-hand
To paralyse the Cæsars, and to strike
The loud earth breathless! — Take away the sword —
States can be saved without it!

I start my post with this quote, because it has so much truth in it. Words hurt more then whatever, words touch your heart, your brain and your soul. The bad ones even more so then the nice ones, I’m of the opinion that 9999 nice words can be said to you, but if someone says one bad thing about you, all those 9999 words will fall on deaf ears, will crumble away like they mean nothing. It’s hard to constantly shield yourself from name calling, bad mouthing and mental abuse.

When I was young, I was always the laughing stock of the school or whatever group I was in, because I struggled with weight issues and my Dyslexia and after a while, you start to believe that you are stupid, ugly and noone is going to love you. Because of this I had a hard time at school and my grades were showing it because even teachers were joining in, I had to go to a school to help me deal with my Dyslexia and get me back on the road on a mental way. During that, I learned to shield my self. but every now and then something pierced through the shield. I went every possible contact with strangers out of the way, it was even so bad that I used to take a different route on my bycicle just to avoid passing by a group of people because they might say something to hurt me.

To this day I still have the same fears, albeit less but that’s mainly because I am able to push it away. But still with every thing I do, my Dyslexia is getting in the way, no matter how ”trained” I am in it. With spelling, numbers or the difference between left and right. When others notice you’re struggeling with words or numbers, they giggle, because saying ”oh he is 73” instead of ”Oh he is 37” is funny, slightly. Or when I need to make my hands into an ”L” shape first to see what left is, but sometimes, those giggles penetrates through the shield and it hurts and it feels like a confirmation that you’re actually stupid.

It’s a confirmation that when you’re already feeling lonely, due to various reasons and people say ”You’re going to die alone”, my mind will easily go ”See, I’m right, even he is saying it”.

The internet hardens you up as well, makes you quick on your feet with counter responses when someone is acting douchy. And I believe most people who know me slightly, know that I’ll bite back if someone bites me and that it takes a lot to leave me speechless.

This evening was such an event where I was left speechless, I was in a Skype convo playing Heroes of the Storm with some people when a guy joins who used to trash talk me, I was actually wisely keeping my mouth shut, because I’m not feeling in the position for an arguement. After 5 minutes he starts trash talking me again, stating I’m a ”fat fuck who only eats and Mac Donalds and you should kill yourself because you’re going to die lonely anyway.”, he said this about 10 times with some words changing here and there. This left me speechless, I felt so little again, like I used to feel when I was young. I logged off the game and left Skype, feeling sad and hurt.

I must say, it even hurts physically as well, my shoulders, neck and stomach are cramping up like mad, because of the frustrations and yes, I am at the point right now where I believe all this verbal diarrhea. I won’t kill myself, don’t worry. But all the other stuff he said.. Before someone goes ”but hes wrong” I’ll refer you to first part of my post.

Even posting on this blog or Twitter is scary for me, afraid my Dyslexia will act up and I make dumb grammar mistakes and I’ll be the laughing stock of the Twitter ”community” I am in. I try to challenge myself by doing things like this, by making posts on forums and guides on whatever, but it leaves me with great worries.

To sum it up, I’m hurt.

I’ll end this post with a part of one of my favourite poems by Shane Koyczan named To This Day.

I am surrounded by people who used to say
that rhyme about sticks and stones
as if broken bones
hurt more than the names we got called
and we got called them all
so we grew up believing no one
would ever fall in love with us
that we’d be lonely forever
that we’d never meet someone
to make us feel like the sun
was something they built for us
in their tool shed
so broken heart strings bled the blues
as we tried to empty ourselves
so we would feel nothing
don’t tell me that hurts less than a broken bone
that an ingrown life
is something surgeons can cut away
that there’s no way for it to metastasize

it does


Just some words.

If only knowing something was going to happen could numb the pain it causes. Lies hurt however, the most painful lies are the ones you tell yourself when the truth is too much to bear, but in the end the lie makes the truth more potent; it hurts even more. Every single time we just can’t help ourselves but to tell ourselves stories and give ourselves hope when we’re just not brave enough to face what we already know.

Maybe one day I’ll learn.


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